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| 06.27.03 [Indecisions] |
"There's nothing like the pain I feel for you..."
I'm beginning to wonder if this...thing...this diary is helping or hendering me. Constantly wanting to be so different yet constantly seeking approval isn't exactly a recipe for mental stability. Overrated anyway...maybe.
Could I really be so close to falling of the edge? I had a dream the other night that I jumped of the top of the Empire State Building because it was on fire...and as I was falling through the air I heard the theme to "Dallas" in my head and I remember smiling, because that's what I do when I hear the theme to Dallas. And then I hit the ground...and then...nothing. I was okay...I got right back up and walked away, like falling from skyscraper was an everyday occurance for me.
I think it means that I have two option and neither are particularly appealing, but if I can make that choice, then I'll land safely and life will go on. I still don't know where the theme music comes into play though. Maybe a relic of a missed childhood or a reminder of a place I'll call home.
Either way, it doesn't make these upcoming decisions any easier. I was never good at making long term plans. I'm more of a look after you leap kind of gal. Plans are for people who know what they want. I don't. I know what I don't want. I wish expectations weren't set so high for me. It's hard to live up to expectations people have for you when they don't know the real you.
Maybe I should have stayed a model, then I could have just married rich and not have to worry about anything except what time I was suppsed to get my bikini wax. No, I don't think I could have done that. It's all glitz and glamour with none of the.....things that make a person, that make me. I am who I am. And there's not enough time in the world to even begin to describe who I am.
We all know what I'm not though: a model. |
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