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| 03.30.04 [Too Scared.] |
I am so scared that I'm crying. I'm so worried that everything is going to fall apart because my life never goes the way I plan it. Why couldn't he have just done it right the first time instead of taking forever to to it right the second time. My entire future is riding on this and he acts like it's not a big deal...it is a big deal. It's my life.
If this doesn't come through then I don't know what to do and it's time like this when I wish I was a little girl again and all I had to do was climb into my daddy's lap and he'd make everything all better again. Bakc when my biggest worry was about how to convince my mom that I wasn't tired.
I'm so scared that I can't sleep, I just lie in bed imagining the worst, wondering why he did this me, and why he doesn't understand. I know that I won't be able to function right until this is fixed and yet I'm scared of making him fix it...what if he says no. I'm too scared to do anything and too scared not to.
Either way, I have to put this behind me, so tomorrow I'll go see him and demand he recant. I know this time it wasn't me fault, for once. All those times it was my fault and I got away with it and this time it isn't and I can't get away with it. It's like an extreme karmic debt I'm repaying. And I think that is what scares me the most.
You want to know what else is scary? Writing this hasn't made me feel any better at all.
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